Destitution by Rene Nettles
(Copyright © September 24, 1998)
All Rights Reserved

I've got this aching feeling in my stomach.  My body.  My hands.
Trembling uncontrollably.  Then I start to cry.
Lonliness has placed its wrenching hold on me.
A constant reminder of what lays ahead.

The nights get longer and longer.
The silence becomes tighter and tighter.
It's hard to fall asleep.  Painful to wake up.

I look for laughter wherever I can find it.
From anyone who will give it.
My friends-though I have few.
My job-when the seriousness of its nature has been broken
If only for a moment.
My daughter-oh, how her innocence prevails me.
Restores me momentarily.
Then, I am left to remember that which reality forces me
To remember.

Nevertheless,
Am I a  prisoner to stand accused of every crime
I've ever committed.  No wonder I am desperate to walk
Away from this life.

I've cried everyday.  Everyday I've cried.
Begging for some forgiveness.
Yet, there is none in this world left for me to be forgiven.

Outside,
As I face a judging society, I pretend all is fine and
My nights are easy to bear.  But my eyes tell the
Story of my sadness.  How deep down inside I
Carry a heavy, laden heart.
Suffering from my own stupidity and
Relentless shame.

The nights I feel are cold.  The mornings I see
Wear faceless shadows.
Before I attempt to make my place in society's world,
I blow to him my sincerest kiss as in the wind
I can feel his lips touching mine.

I wish I did not have to return.
The silence would be there, again, to laugh wittingly,
In my face.

How sweet the wicked sound
Of mass confusion do I bid thee
Of a temperment harvest upon my bleeding heart.
If it is my soul yee shall fill with memories
Of my constant failures, then I demand
That you, with your bear hands,
Snatch out this bleeding heart of mine.
Do it!  Do it now!
For I've grown weary. So tired of this journey,
I have no strength to carry on.

I've gotten down on my hands and knees.
Begging for whatever forgiveness there is
left to give.
I've given my confessions of guilt,
yet, the voices of silence continue to
keep me in good company.

Nonetheless,
I see not what is ahead.  I've forgotten the
taste of food for I do not eat.
I've forgotten the comfort of dreams
For I do not sleep.
I long for he who sleeps besides me.
I yearn for his touch.  For his comfort zone.
For his soft hands to caress my body.
For the warmth of his body to fill mine.
For the softness. The tenderness of his
Lips to be pressed against my lips as
Both our names echo out into the vast darkness.
How I long to feel him.
How my flashed, yet broken dreams
Behold such visions of our making love.

I love him,
yet, I cannot tell him so.
I need him,
Yet I cannot let him know.
I miss him,
Yet, I cannot let it show.
Such a cruel hand this life has so dealt me.

And I say on this night of falling rain,
For if we cannot continue to give our
hearts.  Our souls
One to one,
Then, to no man shall I give myself.

 September 24, 1998